Billy Connolly

The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever becoming one.—Don't vote. It just encourages them....

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I don't believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don't want to say I don't believe in God but I don't think I do. But I believe in people who do.

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I don't believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don't want to say I don't believe in God but I don't think I do. But I believe in people who do.

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The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever becoming one.—Don't vote. It just encourages them....

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I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place.

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Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding's a mystery to me now. You can't go back, your life changes every day.

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It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things.

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I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

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I've always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can't tell to an audience. There's a fine line you have to tread because you don't know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.

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Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.

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I loathe hecklers. I haven't got a good syllable to say. When you come out of the club circuit and into the concert hall, they should be gone. There's an element of manners that should tell you that the ticket is dear and it's a different venue.

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I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far.

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There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.

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Don't tell me how to do my job. I don't come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.

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My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.

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Quotes by Billy Connolly