Jerry Seinfeld

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

Read quote

I don't understand women at all. Like how a women can pour boiling hot wax onto their upper thigh, then rip the hair out by the root... and still be afraid of a spider.

Read quote

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Read quote

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

Read quote

Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst.

Read quote

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. —Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off, I've got the toe clippers right here.

Read quote

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason

Read quote

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

Read quote

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. —Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off, I've got the toe clippers right here.

Read quote

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

Read quote

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

Read quote

Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst.

Read quote

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

Read quote

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Read quote

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason

Read quote

I don't understand women at all. Like how a women can pour boiling hot wax onto their upper thigh, then rip the hair out by the root... and still be afraid of a spider.

Read quote

Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.

Read quote

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

Read quote

Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.

Read quote

I think of myself more as a sportsman than I do an artist.

Read quote

Quotes by Jerry Seinfeld