Tom Segura

Comedian

1979-04-16

Quotes by Tom Segura

• People will say, 'What's your favorite part of Cincinnati?' I'm like, 'I was nine, man. I liked recess and having snacks. I didn't go anywhere. I was a kid.'

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• I'm a sarcastic, observational storyteller.

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• I always like it when I eat myself out of breath. That's a good boost to my day. You know, I'm eating, and I go, 'Oooohhh.' It's better a few moments later when you get to think about it, when you're like, 'Why did I just stop to take a deep breath? Oh yeah, my body also needs air.'

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• I could see myself being on a TV show, but I think touring is something I'll always do.

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• It's okay for me to make jokes about disabled people and people with horrible diseases because they make me uncomfortable, and I don't want to be like them.

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• I would trade 20 white babies for an Asian baby. If I'm ever rich, I want a closet full of Asian babies. And I'll just pull them out whenever I'm feeling down, you know? All kinds. Korean ones. Chinese ones. Vietnamese - not so much. My dad was in the war, and I hold a grudge.

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• I like my shame straight up and honest, and nobody does it better than In-N-Out Burger. You go to In-N-Out Burger, and they ask you the most shameful question in fast food. 'I'll have a burger, fries and a Coke.' 'Will you be eating in the car?' 'Yeah. I think so.'

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