W. C. Fields

I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

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Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.

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Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

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Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.

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Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

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I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.

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Never give a sucker an even break.

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I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

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I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

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There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

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I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.

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Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.

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Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

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Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.

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If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.

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You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

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Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

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Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.

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Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

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Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?

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Quotes by W. C. Fields