Woody Allen

The most expensive sex is free sex

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Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman.

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The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.

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Is sex dirty? Only when it's being done right.

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Having sex is like bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

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Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

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I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

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Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

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I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

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The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

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What is fascinating is that it is physical. You know, that's one thing about intellectuals, they've proved that you can be absolute brilliant and have no idea what's going on. But on the other hand, the body doesn't lie, as we now know. Nono, it'll be great, because all of those ph.Ds are in there, like, discussing modes of alienation, and we'll be in here quietly humping.

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I believe people ought to mate for life...like pigeons or Catholics.

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I love nature, I just don't want to get any of it on me.

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If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank.

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There's nothing like the discovery of an unknown work by a great thinker to set the intellectual community atwitter and cause academics to dart about like those things one sees when looking at a drop of water under a microscope.

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I broke up with this girl, and they put me with a psychiatrist who said, 'Why did you get so depressed, and do all those things you did?' I said, 'I wanted this girl and she left me.'And he said,'Well, we have to look into that.'And I said, 'There's nothing to look into! I wanted her and she left me.' And he said, 'Well, why are you feeling so intense?'And I said, 'Cause I want the girl!' And he said, 'What's underneath it?' And I said, 'Nothing!'He said, 'I'll have to give you medication.'I said, 'I don't want medication! I want the girl!'And he said, 'We have to work this through.'So, I took a fire extinguisher from the casement and struck him across the back of his neck. And before I knew it, guys from Con Ed had jumper cables in my head and the rest was...

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If Jesus came back and saw what was going on in his name, he'd never stop throwing-up.

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It's a wonderful thing to be able to create your own world whenever you want to.

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Death doesn't really worry me that much, I'm not frightened about it... I just don't want to be there when it happens.

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I can't do anything to death, doctor's orders.

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Quotes by Woody Allen