You know how you toilet paper and egg somebody's house? I did it, right? But I did it back-to-back nights, Saturday and Sunday. They called the police. Good thing nobody got arrested but that was something embarrassing and stupid. Why would you do the same house twice? It was ridiculous.

House Republicans are flimsier than toilet paper, except toilet paper actually has use. They're so pathetic.

When I started as a color man in the booth with CBS, I would make footballs out of a roll of toilet paper.

I don't think many people understand what racism is. The intellectuals use it like toilet paper; it's something they can use. It's not something they live.

If you're embarking around the world in a hot-air balloon, don't forget the toilet paper.

It used to be that comic strips were the big thing, and comic books were toilet paper.

My mother always told me, 'I didn't make a perfume or go sell toilet paper. I did something good with my name.'

Never give an artist like me carte blanche: he would think it's simply toilet paper.

If you can market smut and toilet paper, you can market movies.

I live with three boys, and I can't tell you how hard it is to get your hands on toilet paper. They steal it.

In our skulls, we carry around 3 pounds of slimy, wet, greyish tissue, corrugated like crumpled toilet paper. You wouldn't think, to look at the unappetizing lump, that it was some of the most powerful stuff in the known universe.

I like getting toilet paper thrown at me.

The only reason I'd bring a Bible out here is if I needed toilet paper.

I'm a writer who stacks cat food for a living. It's true: I have a master's degree in creative writing, I've published two critically successful books, and I get paid to replenish the shelves of my local food co-op with pet food, sponges and toilet paper. Nine days out of 10, I do it quite happily.

The fact that I live in New York, a city that thrives on accessibility, might explain why I was slow to grasp the appeal of Alexa. Here we have bodegas on every corner, most open 24 hours, in case you need to pick up a roll of toilet paper or a bottle of hot sauce in the middle of the night.

A rebel. That was me when I was younger. What was a rebel from New Jersey? A rebel was moving to the Village, not sleeping with top sheets, not eating a hot breakfast in the morning, not having 20 rolls of toilet paper and 10 boxes of Kleenex.

I always said if I could figure out a way to grow Kleenex and toilet paper on trees, we could pull the plug on society.

I have a very silly sense of humor. I've never laughed harder in my entire life than seeing someone with toilet paper stuck on the bottom of their shoe.

France is a place where the money falls apart in your hands but you can't tear the toilet paper.

In captivity, one loses every way of acting over little details which satisfy the essentials of life. Everything has to be asked for: permission to go to the toilet, permission to ask a guard something, permission to talk to another hostage - to brush your teeth, use toilet paper, everything is a negotiation.