I don't have a thing, Tengo said, except my soul.Sounds like a job for Mephistopheles, she said.

What's so unpleasant about being drunk?Ask a glass of water!

An old joke has an Oxford professor meeting an American former graduate student and asking him what he's working on these days. 'My thesis is on the survival of the class system in the United States.' 'Oh really, that's interesting: one didn't think there was a class system in the United States.' 'Nobody does. That's how it survives.

I like to prowl ordinary places.I feel sorry for us all or glad for us allcaught alive togetherand awkward in that way.there's nothing better than the jokeof usthe seriousness of usthe dullness of us

Me mum always told me the rich was blessed, but I thought she was talkin' about gold. She leaned over to cackle in his ear, then actually patted him on the head as if he was some slavering lapdog. You might have escaped the gallows, lad, but you was already well hung.

Please ejaculate, I silently urged the man, so I can go to sleep. (In this way I imagine I was like millions of women before me

Your wife is a big hippo! My face is melting! My face is meltinnnnggg!

The combination of ammonia and chloride can be lethal but I've discovered it can work miracles as long as you keep telling yourself, I want to love, I want to live...

What do you suppose is the use of a child without any meaning? Even a joke should have some meaning-- and a child's more imporant than a joke, I hope. You couldn't deny that, even if you tried with both hands.

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.

The trouble with aggressive nonsmokers is that they feel they are doing you a favor by not allowing you to smoke. They seem to think that one day you'll look back and thank them for those precious fifteen seconds they just added to your life. What they don't understand is that those are just fifteen more seconds you can spend hating their guts and plotting revenge.

It sometimes seemed to him that for love to work, it had to be fair, that he should tell only half the joke, and she the other half. Otherwise, it would not be love, but something completely else–pity or entertainment, or stand-up comedy.

Make it dark, make it grim, make it tough, but then, for the love of God, tell a joke.

Don't answer the door in a wedding dress and veil, he might not think you're joking.

The gods too are fond of a joke.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, my lord. You are an evil man.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

In eternity there is no time, only an instant long enough for a joke.

It's hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one.

Is this Clarissa Fray? The voice on the other end of the phone sounded familiar, though not immediately identifiable.Clary twirled the phone cord nervously around her finger. Yeees?Hi, I'm one of the knife-carrying hooligans you met last night in Pandemonium? Im afraid I made a bad impression and was hoping you'd give me a chance to make it up to-SIMON! Clary held the phone away from her ear as he cracked up laughing. That is so not funny!Sure it is. You just don't see the humor.Jerk. Clary sighed, leaning up against the wall.