The law of raspberry jam: The wider any culture is spread, the thinner it gets.

The human brain starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

McGinn's Law: Just about everything takes longer than they say it does, except sex.

A psychotic thinks that 2 plus 2 makes 5. A neurotic KNOWS that 2 plus 2 makes 4 - he just can't stand it.

As we say in the sewer, time and tide wait for no man.

The roe is reputed to sleep for a thousand years and then suddenly rise in flames, particularly if it was smoking when it dozed off.

Soderquist's Paradox: There are more horses' asses than horses.

If you have to learn it from a self-help book, you may be beyond help.

People who stare each other in the eye for sixty seconds straight will soon either be fighting or making love.

The volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases.

Claustrophobia? It's a dreadful fear of Santa Claus.