Andrew Shaffer

Author

Andrew Shaffer is an American author known for satirical and genre fiction. His books include parody titles and bestselling mystery novels. He is also recognized for humor writing tied to popular culture.

Books by Andrew Shaffer

Fifty Shames Of Earl Grey A Parody
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Secret Santa
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Feel the Bern
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Quotes by Andrew Shaffer

If the food supply runs out, try trapping or hunting animals. For most people, this won't be easy. If you can't catch any animals, it's time to throw a Donner party.
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For the first time since he showed up in my checkout lane, I let my eyes wander the full length of his body. The bulge in his running down the side of his pants leg is quite noticeable; either he has a banana in his pocket, or he's happy to see me. Then I notice a similar bulge running down the side of his other pants leg. Either he has two bananas in his pockets, or he has two erections.
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My shift isn't over until six,— I say glumly."Hold on," he says. He pulls a Blackberry from his coat pocket and taps out a text. It buzzes, and he taps out another text before stashing it back in his pocket. "I think you can take the rest of the afternoon off.""I only have a week left, but my boss would kill me," I say."I'm your boss, Anna.""What do you mean?"There's that smile again, the one with all those teeth. "I just bought Walmart," he says.
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I like my tea like I like my men,— I say. With the last name "Grey." But I realize that's too forward, so I add, "Black."He raises an eyebrow."I mean, not that I exclusively like black men," I say, trying to recover. "I like other kinds of tea. And men."—Have you ever tasted...white tea, Anna?
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My shift isn't over until six,— I say glumly."Hold on," he says. He pulls a Blackberry from his coat pocket and taps out a text. It buzzes, and he taps out another text before stashing it back in his pocket. "I think you can take the rest of the afternoon off.""I only have a week left, but my boss would kill me," I say."I'm your boss, Anna.""What do you mean?"There's that smile again, the one with all those teeth. "I just bought Walmart," he says.
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If the food supply runs out, try trapping or hunting animals. For most people, this won't be easy. If you can't catch any animals, it's time to throw a Donner party.
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I like my tea like I like my men,— I say. With the last name "Grey." But I realize that's too forward, so I add, "Black."He raises an eyebrow."I mean, not that I exclusively like black men," I say, trying to recover. "I like other kinds of tea. And men."—Have you ever tasted...white tea, Anna?
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For the first time since he showed up in my checkout lane, I let my eyes wander the full length of his body. The bulge in his running down the side of his pants leg is quite noticeable; either he has a banana in his pocket, or he's happy to see me. Then I notice a similar bulge running down the side of his other pants leg. Either he has two bananas in his pockets, or he has two erections.
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Once an ebook hits the Kindle Top 100, sales tend to snowball as new customers discover it in greater numbers.
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Don't respond to haters' taunts - even politely. Ignore them. If nobody takes their bait, most will grow bored and move on.
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Everybody has a breaking point. It's tough to ignore the impulse to respond with anger.
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In 'Hope Never Dies', the fictional Obama and Biden go up against drug traffickers, outlaw bikers, and other seedy opponents. They're forced to use skills they didn't know they had. Or, to put it another way, unlike Jordan Peele's Obama, this Obama doesn't need an anger translator.
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In 'Hope Never Dies', Biden attempts to disguise himself with a beach look, hoping that the incongruity of it will allow him to snoop around Wilmington without being recognized. Obama, on the other hand, knows the best way to keep a low profile is to just be himself.
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This is a common misconception about antidepressants: many people believe they're simply 'happy pills' that will wipe a person's emotional slate clean. Used correctly, antidepressants can lift the fog of mental illness.
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Cremer's 'Nightshade' is a smart blend of romance, action, philosophy, and pagan witchcraft. And, yes, high-schoolers shape-shifting into wolves.
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