Stephen Colbert

Comedian

1964-05-13

American comedian, writer, and television host known for The Colbert Report and The Late Show with Stephen Colbert. He first gained national prominence as a correspondent on The Daily Show.

Quotes by Stephen Colbert

In God's eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards.
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I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work.
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There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.
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Senator John Kyle claiming that over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion.Stephen Colbert: Over 90 percent, that is unbelievable...in that it is not true. Only 3 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion. Kyle just rounded it up to the nearest 90.
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I like talking about people who don't have any power and it seems like some of the least powerful people in the United States are the migrant workers who come and do our work and don't have any rights as a result. And yet we still invite them to come here, and at the same time ask them to leave.
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I don't like the new president who hunts muslim extremists, I like the old president who is a muslim extremist.
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Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash.(Said to President Bush at the White House Correspondents Dinner)
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So my heart goes out to them. Figuratively. I would never actually entrust my heart to scientists— they'd probably implant it in a baboon. And a baboon with my heart would be practically unstoppable. Baboon strength and agility combined with my determination and media savvy? It would be a threat to all of humanity.
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So, if I'm no cheerleader of sports, why write a chapter about it? Sports do have some positive impact on society. They solve problems, such as how to get inner-city kids to spend $175 on shoes. They serve as a backdrop for some of our most memorable commercials. And they remain the one and only relevant application of math. Not only that, but we have sports to thank for most of the last century's advances in manliness. The system starts in school, where gym class separates the men from the boys. Then those men are taught to be winners, or at least, losers that hate themselves.
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America used to live by the motto Father Knows Best. Now we're lucky if Father Knows He Has Children. We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.
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I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.
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Librarians hoard the wisdom of humanity. They are the keepers of all knowledge, the guardians at the temples of understanding and devoted protectors of the sanctuary in the midst of uneducated anarchy.
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If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it.
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Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics. Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don't learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say no. But saying —yes— begins things. Saying —yes— is how things grow. Saying —yes— leads to knowledge. "Yes" is for young people. So for as long as you have the strength to, say —yes'.
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God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.
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If God wanted us to get high, he'd have created plants that became psychoactive when eaten or smoked.
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There's nothing wrong with stretching the truth. We stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious.
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I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first book I've ever written, and I hope it's the first book you've ever read. Don't make a habit of it.
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So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.
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Women don't want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset.
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